Childhood

My childhood always gets me thinking about who I am today, I know I'm technically still a child at the age of 16 but I'm talking about ages 12 and younger. Every time I think about myself as a younger child, it makes me cry.

See I was a very lonely child, I had no one except my mum, my mum was my best friend, actually make that only friend.

I was miserable as a child, up until I was 12 years old, I was so so sad, I don't think I have ever cried as much as I did when I was little.

See I didn't have any friends, none at all. I was lonely twenty four seven. I always tried to make friends, I was quite a nice kid, well I had to be, I didn't want people to dislike me anymore than they did already. Everyone in school had their own groups, from the first year of infants school until the last year of primary. I never had a group, I never even had one person who liked me. I would always go up to groups, a different one everyday, just to see if any of them would except me, but none of them did. I would go up, say hi and try and get involved with the games they were playing, it didn't work. Every single person would just roll their eyes and tell me to go away.

I always remember kids coming into class with printed out photos of their birthday parties at a jungle gym or somewhere else kids loved, everyone went to one throughout their childhood, not me, I was never invited. I guess no one wanted to be friends with the fat kid. I would get so jealous when the pictures were shown, I would always get the sympathy look as if they were saying 'if only you had friends'. 

I tried my hardest to get some friends, it didn't work, not one single person ever saw me by myself and asked me to play with them. After a while, I ended up hiding during break time and dinner time, it even got to a point where no one wanted me to sit anywhere near them when eating dinner, so eventually I would hide when it came to going in for dinner, I would go home with a full lunchbox and hide the food in my room and then put it in the bin so my mum didn't find out. I could never tell my mum that I didn't have any friends, I knew she would go to talk to the head teacher and see what they could do about getting me some friends. Most people would like that, not me, I would much rather be by myself than be around people who didn't want me there. Not only that, I knew it would break her heart.

In the summer when we had no school, my mum would always tell me to go and play outside with my friends, I would always try and refuse but it never worked, I would always have to go outside and play. This resulted in me walking around my hometown by myself, thinking about how lonely I was, I would always go to this bench where no on knew where I was, I would just sit there and cry, then wait until it looked like I hadn't been crying before I went home. This happened every single summer, whilst everyone was out with their friends, I was alone.

I think the worst parts was birthdays, I never had a party, simply because I knew no one would show up, every year my mum would ask if I wanted some of my friends to come to my house for a party, I always said no, just to save me from getting the sympathy look from my mum when she would eventually figure out that nobody liked me. I would always look forward to going home, it was where I was most happy. I would go home and give my mum the biggest cuddle. My mum was the highlight of my day, seeing her would bring an instant smile to my face, not only because she was my mum, but because she was the only person in the world that I could call my friend. She was the only one I wanted to talk to. I had my brothers too, but I wasn't very close to them, they would always be in their room together playing a game they both liked,  them being boys, wouldn't let me join in because Im a girl, I think this was the reason why my mum went out and bought me a teddy bear, he was a polar bear with a black waistcoat on, the waistcoat had red heart shaped buttons and when I pressed his paw he would sing 'let me be your teddy bear' by Elvis Presley. I called him 'corkey' I have no idea why. I loved him with all my heart, he ended up being my best friend, I know this sounds weird but I talked to him as if he were real, a lot of kids has imaginary friends, not me, I had a teddy bear. He was the only one I could tell my secrets to, he knew I didn't have any friends, I told him more than I told my mum, he was the most amazing friend I could ask for. My mum used to always have these nights where me, her and my two brothers would have a night with just us, these were the nights I looked forward to. We called them 'party suppers' where mum would buy sweets and a new film that none of us had seen just so we could spend time together. These were my favourite nights, I used to count down the days until we had another one.

 I have a sister, but she was never around, she left home to live with her dad when I was 4, I always tried to talk to her but she's 9 years older than me, she didn't care about little Jess's problems, by this point she had her teenage boys problems.

I know that some children go through a lot more than what I went through, but still, I didn't have the best childhood, I think it was the most difficult part of my life and I did my GCSE's last year, it was hard being me. But I'm in sixth form now, happier than I have ever been! With the best friends I could ever ask for.