Childhood

My childhood always gets me thinking about who I am today, I know I'm technically still a child at the age of 16 but I'm talking about ages 12 and younger. Every time I think about myself as a younger child, it makes me cry.

See I was a very lonely child, I had no one except my mum, my mum was my best friend, actually make that only friend.

I was miserable as a child, up until I was 12 years old, I was so so sad, I don't think I have ever cried as much as I did when I was little.

See I didn't have any friends, none at all. I was lonely twenty four seven. I always tried to make friends, I was quite a nice kid, well I had to be, I didn't want people to dislike me anymore than they did already. Everyone in school had their own groups, from the first year of infants school until the last year of primary. I never had a group, I never even had one person who liked me. I would always go up to groups, a different one everyday, just to see if any of them would except me, but none of them did. I would go up, say hi and try and get involved with the games they were playing, it didn't work. Every single person would just roll their eyes and tell me to go away.

I always remember kids coming into class with printed out photos of their birthday parties at a jungle gym or somewhere else kids loved, everyone went to one throughout their childhood, not me, I was never invited. I guess no one wanted to be friends with the fat kid. I would get so jealous when the pictures were shown, I would always get the sympathy look as if they were saying 'if only you had friends'. 

I tried my hardest to get some friends, it didn't work, not one single person ever saw me by myself and asked me to play with them. After a while, I ended up hiding during break time and dinner time, it even got to a point where no one wanted me to sit anywhere near them when eating dinner, so eventually I would hide when it came to going in for dinner, I would go home with a full lunchbox and hide the food in my room and then put it in the bin so my mum didn't find out. I could never tell my mum that I didn't have any friends, I knew she would go to talk to the head teacher and see what they could do about getting me some friends. Most people would like that, not me, I would much rather be by myself than be around people who didn't want me there. Not only that, I knew it would break her heart.

In the summer when we had no school, my mum would always tell me to go and play outside with my friends, I would always try and refuse but it never worked, I would always have to go outside and play. This resulted in me walking around my hometown by myself, thinking about how lonely I was, I would always go to this bench where no on knew where I was, I would just sit there and cry, then wait until it looked like I hadn't been crying before I went home. This happened every single summer, whilst everyone was out with their friends, I was alone.

I think the worst parts was birthdays, I never had a party, simply because I knew no one would show up, every year my mum would ask if I wanted some of my friends to come to my house for a party, I always said no, just to save me from getting the sympathy look from my mum when she would eventually figure out that nobody liked me. I would always look forward to going home, it was where I was most happy. I would go home and give my mum the biggest cuddle. My mum was the highlight of my day, seeing her would bring an instant smile to my face, not only because she was my mum, but because she was the only person in the world that I could call my friend. She was the only one I wanted to talk to. I had my brothers too, but I wasn't very close to them, they would always be in their room together playing a game they both liked,  them being boys, wouldn't let me join in because Im a girl, I think this was the reason why my mum went out and bought me a teddy bear, he was a polar bear with a black waistcoat on, the waistcoat had red heart shaped buttons and when I pressed his paw he would sing 'let me be your teddy bear' by Elvis Presley. I called him 'corkey' I have no idea why. I loved him with all my heart, he ended up being my best friend, I know this sounds weird but I talked to him as if he were real, a lot of kids has imaginary friends, not me, I had a teddy bear. He was the only one I could tell my secrets to, he knew I didn't have any friends, I told him more than I told my mum, he was the most amazing friend I could ask for. My mum used to always have these nights where me, her and my two brothers would have a night with just us, these were the nights I looked forward to. We called them 'party suppers' where mum would buy sweets and a new film that none of us had seen just so we could spend time together. These were my favourite nights, I used to count down the days until we had another one.

 I have a sister, but she was never around, she left home to live with her dad when I was 4, I always tried to talk to her but she's 9 years older than me, she didn't care about little Jess's problems, by this point she had her teenage boys problems.

I know that some children go through a lot more than what I went through, but still, I didn't have the best childhood, I think it was the most difficult part of my life and I did my GCSE's last year, it was hard being me. But I'm in sixth form now, happier than I have ever been! With the best friends I could ever ask for.

Love

Lately I've been so much more curious to what love is and whether it actually exists. Is it true, are you supposed to fall 'inlove' with that one person? Is there actually someone out there who's going to love you? How do you know?

It's only over the past year or so that I've been questioning if I believe in love or not, it's becoming quite a common thought. Of course you always get the one person you really like and can't stop thinking about but how do you know you love them? How do you know what love is?

What I'm trying to say is that personally, I don't believe that there is one person in the world that you are supposed to be with and that one person is supposed to be the one you are with for the rest of your life. Everyone gets bored of things eventually, imagine having your favourite song, you wake up listening to it, you listen to it while eating breakfast, while you're on your way to work, when you get home and when you go to sleep. You wouldn't want that forever, would you? Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm just being negative about it, some people might want that one person to share everything with for as long as they live.

I think the reason behind me not believing in it is the fact that my mum has been divorced three times, she obviously found happiness in each of her husbands, but it didn't last, it couldn't have lasted, boredom takes over eventually, yes ofcourse you still have feelings for them after you divorce them, but it is no longer the feeling that it was when they first met years before, there was no longer any passion, and for all of the men she divorced, came resentment. And not even a year after that, more men came, she didn't marry them but they were there, she said to each that she 'loved' them and in a matter of weeks they were gone again, there was the rest of my family waiting for another one to break my mums heart. If love exists, why does it include getting hurt along the way? Why does it cause heartbreak for not only the one who is searching for the one they are meant to be with, but the people around them too?

In my opinion, love is just a word! A word you say when you have strong feelings and affection for someone, it doesn't mean anything, you say it to make the other person happy and once you get bored, bye! No more love, just left there waiting for the next one to come along, have them tell you that they love you and then leave again.

Obviously I don't know what I'm talking about until I actually experience it, I'm only 16 but the thought of it baffles me.

I think the closest I've come to feeling it was last summer, I left school so I had three months of summer. I met this boy, I'd never seen him around before, never even knew his name before we met properly. Let's call him 'B'. He was a bit older than me, he was 19. I met him at the start of the three months, we talked everyday without fail and after a while we started seeing eachother as more than friends, I really liked him, it was in no way love but I had very strong feelings towards him. But the thing is, I didn't tell anyone about him, not even my friends. I don't know why but I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone when I knew he would be going away to university in September, I didn't see the point in having to tell everyone about him only to be disappointed when he left, so we just kept it the way it was. After the summer, he went to university, we agreed that we wouldn't carry on with whatever we were, there was no point, we were on different sides of the country, not only that but we only knew eachother for three months, it's not like we wouldn't get over it.

That brings me to my point, nothing lasts forever, it can't, can it? Love is something I can't quite get my head around, I see other people writing on social networks about how much they love the person they are with, some may have only been together for a couple of months, can you really find love in such a short length of time? A short while later you see that those people are no longer with the person they wrote about, but they have moved on to a different person.

I have a cousin, I don't particularly like her or her family but that's not the point, the point is that I see her with a different boy every few weeks, and it's the same routine...

1. She sees a boy who is averagely good looking

2. She doesn't really bother getting to know him

3. They get together

4. He meets her family

5. He stays with her a few weeks

6. They break up

This is a constant cycle, this is another thing that confuses me, if you don't get to know the person you are attracted to, how do you know that you are going to get along as a couple? It's like being with a total stranger!

Finally, marriage. Why? This is something I really don't understand the concept of. You meet someone, you like them, you fall in love with them, you pay to sign a contract to be with them for the rest of your life and then for most, you have to pay to get out of the contract to get away from them. Why the contract? Can't you just love someone enough that you don't have to sign anything, just tell them that you want to be with them, because that way if you change your mind, you don't have to spend a rediculous amount of money to leave. Why just one person for the rest of your life? You can't tell if that person is 'the one', you can't tell the future, you don't know what's going to happen that might break you apart. So why do it? I understand that people are committed to that person and they would like to be with them for the rest of their life, what I don't get is why you have to have it on paper, is it to prove a point in an argument? You argue about something, someone grabs the certificate and shout 'you promised', I really don't get it.

But who am I to say it's wrong? Heck, I might get married when I'm older, I'd rather I didn't but like 

I said, it's impossible to read the future, I don't know what's going to happen, maybe someone will come along and prove me to be completely wrong, I'm only 16 so that won't be happening soon.

Alcoholism

Something that's really starting to bug me is the fact that twelve to sixteen year olds are overly obsessive alcohol drinkers.

Personally, I hardly drink, but saying it was wrong for underage drinkers to drink would make me a hypocrite. But the thing I don't understand is why they feel the need to do it every week? When you are younger than eighteen, surely you are capable of finding a way to have fun with out getting 'steamo'. There are some girls in my year at school that have been drinking since the age of twelve, I would understand if they were allowed one or two on special occasions but having parties where everyone gets drunk and starts 'getting off' with whoever they see. When I was twelve, I wouldn't even consider asking my parents to go out and get drunk, knowing that it would be a no. Looking back on it, I am greatful that they didn't let me drink until about a year ago. 

I mean I'm 16, I only started drinking properly in September last year, that's five months ago,there are girls I know my age that started five years ago, which I think is rediculous. Thinking that you can only have fun when you can't speak properly, walk properly or see properly actually makes me wonder if these people are ok in the head.

Since the start of sixth form, I've noticed that the girls who class themselves as 'lads' have gone out every week since September, not only drinking but smoking and taking drugs. I don't understand, why spend money to damage you're lungs just a bit more every week? Seeing photos every single weekend of the same people making the same faces, drinking the same thing, same stupid poses makes me so curious to why they think that it's fun to do exactly the same thing every week the only difference is the change of clothes, but the clothes aren't that different, the same revealing short dresses,I'm not going to lie, they look like 'loose women' after some money.

Not only that, they come into school bragging about it. I have to admit that I have four friends that do this, I sit with them sometimes and I can't help but think that the stories they are telling about their 'wild night out' I've heard them before, many times. The same stories every week, how can this be fun? It's like going to see the same show over and over, you would think it gets boring, but to these people it doesn't, how does this happen? I really don't understand?

I can't be a total hypocrite when it comes to alcohol, but I've only had alcohol with my friends twice in my life. If those who go out every week knew this, they would think I'm crazy, but personally I would like to act my age, I don't want to grow up faster than I need to. My friends ideas of fun is going out for a meal, going out shopping for the day, having movie nights with pizza and popcorn, which I think is brilliant and completely suitable for our age range, we don't want to be going out risking getting raped at 16 for wearing the most rediculous outfits.

I know everyone has their own ideas of fun, but I don't see how doing the same thing over and over could be fun, damaging your body on the way isn't my sort of thing.

Blogging.

I only wrote this blog for my own amusement, I don't expect anyone to read it. Of course if anyone is to stumble upon it, if they were to read it would be great.

I don't think I would like people I know to read this, I suppose it would take away the whole concept of writing a blog. I may aswell post it on Facebook or Twitter. The point I'm trying to make is that I'm not a very private person usually, I tell everyone everything. 

By using this blog, it helps me to express my feelings without having to explain anything to anyone, no one gets hurt and my problems are solved by writing, if I doesn't post things on my blog I would be keeping things to myself which would probably lead to a mental breakdown. Everyone needs to let off some steam sometimes. For me it helps to write something that nobody else will see, i like writing on this because if someone were to read it,They may be able to relate to what I write.

If there was someone I would like to read my blog, it would be Holly. One of my closest friends. I have two best friends in this world and one of them is Holly.

Holly is someone who I am confident to speak to and say whats on my mind. Anything that needs to be said to someone, I say it to Holly. I would say that she is the most understanding one of my friends. She gets what I'm trying to say, she understands how I feel about certain situations and most of all, she will tell me if I'm wrong or being out of line. In a way, she is like my counsellor, she just listens to me, takes it in, then gives me feedback on what I've told her. I think Holly is one of the people I trust most in the world. Genuine would be an understatement. 

Anyway, my blog is for my own amusement, no one else needs to read it but I wouldn't get offended if they did. It's purely to release my stress and anger. Maybe even to note a days event that I've enjoyed, but this is for me, not to please anyone else.

Too close?

There's a situation that has recently become apparent to me. A situation which confuses me and in a way it kind of irritates me to a point where I can no longer keep it to myself, but by sharing the situation with friends, may make them realise they think the same too or they completely disagree which could cause a small amount of conflict.

As a friendship group we all love and care for eachother in a way that it cannot be described. Most friendships don't share the same as ours. The group I belong to have an unconditional love for eachother, we get over the situations pretty quickly and then move on to loving eachother again. As a group everyone should love eachother the same amount, obviously we favouritise some more than others, but the love between everyone should be the same.

There's a situation right now that only I have noticed, that happens a lot. Bad moods cause me to overthink things and pick up on habits or situation I don't really like but never really noticed before. This happened to me about a fortnight ago. To save mentioning names I'll call one 'Jack' and the other 'Jill'.

So Jack and Jill are both people I love dearly. They are part of our group, 'posse', 'clan' or as I might describe it 'the innaproproate, sexual, too close gang'. There are seven of us each with our own unique styles and personalities.

Anyway, as I said before,we are supposed to love eachother the same, but I can't help but notice that Jill takes a brighter shine to Jack. What I don't like is that Jill treats the rest of us different to Jack, she idolises and maybe obsesses over Jack to a point where it gets very annoying. You see Jack and Jill used to have a very close friendship, they were the best of friends. This changed when an overuse of technology occurred, this got between them. Jack thaught that he could no longer deal with the fact that Jill would rather use the technology she had than talk to jack.

Jack later became close to the rest of the group and then considered us to be equal to Jill when it came to friendship. There was no longer a favourite in Jacks eyes. Jack and Jill grew apart for a little while, not completely! They still talked everyday as normal but they weren't as close as they used to be.

 This brings us to now. Now Jack is still as close to us as he is Jill, still no favourites. This is definitely not the case with Jill, Jack is still number one in her eyes, she doesn't realise that we are all friends in the same way, that we all treat eachother the same. We love eachother. She still thinks they are unseperable, we all know their not. Jack has developed close friendships with all of us.

I just don't like the fact that there are favourites in a group that are all equal. But hey, it may just be me thinking something stupid, it might be in my head, who knows?