May...

This year, may has been such a busy month for me. It's been crazy!

This month I've completed all my exams in my first year of sixth form, but the one thing I did wrong was going out on a girls weekend before hand, which meant I got back home a day before my first two exams. Now I'm starting to wonder whether it was a good idea, actually I know it wasn't a good idea.

The weekend I went on was with a group of women from Cardiff aged 18-60, it was amazing, the girls are the funniest people I've ever met, as the youngest, I felt quite awkward at first, I didn't know anyone, but after a while it was fine. The worst thing of the weekend is that two of the girls ended up in A&E, which was scary for them because we were in a completely new place. We went to western super-mare.

The whole point in the weekend was to play skittles, a game that is sort of like bowling but slightly different, with a smaller ball and heavier skittles. Anyway, this was new to me, everyone else on the team of 20 had played before, I hadn't, I had no idea what I was doing. The first time I played, I was terrible, I think it was because I was sober, the times where I wasn't so sober, I played brilliantly, I ended up coming third out of 500 people which was weird, I won a medal which was brill!

On the first night, it was just a night of drinking, the only problem for me is that I drink like a fish, from that night onwards, I was known as 'Dory', not only because I drink like a fish but I would wonder off and get lost and talk to completely random people. At one point I had 19 girls shouting 'DORY! WHERE ARE YOU??'. Obviously no one helped because they didn't know who dory was.

I'm the sort of person, not to big myself up, but I make friends really easily. I literally talk to everyone. I mean the barman even gave me a nickname. I'd never met them before but they found me really friendly, the banter I had with them was great! 

One the second night we had to dress up, I wasn't particularly happy about what we dressed up, one because they had done this the year before and second, it wasn't very creative. We dressed up as people who would go on 'I'm a celebrity...get me out of here' it was great fun though never the less. That night was the best night, I loved it. It was crazy. Everyone loved it. Although it wasn't that fun on the coach drive home, everyone was hungover like hell. We all looked like death. I think the team infront of us on the coach hated us a little bit considering we were so loud just to piss them off.

Now next year is booked and I'm so excited.

Anyway, I got home a day before two of my religious studies exams, I felt like crap, I don't think the first one went so well, the second went slightly better thank heavens.

My exams are all finnished now, so I have a holiday until the 11th of June which I'm enjoying spending time with the family.

So may has been a weird, stressful but wonderful month for me! And to Finnish off the month, going to a theme park with two of my faves was brill!

Family favourite.

So this post is about one of my cousins. I have talked about her before in an other post 'Love'.

I talked about her habbit of getting a different boyfriend every few weeks.

Anyway, this cousin is on my mums side of the family, my mums side is a lot smaller than my dad's, he has 6 brothers, which leaves me 16 cousins and 17 great cousins on his side. Whereas on my mums side, I only have 5 cousins.

I don't know if I have mentioned before, but I really do not like my mums side of the family, I hate them and they hate me, that's the way it has always been. The five cousins have always been my nans favourite, when around her they act so innocent, but when in real life they are the most horrific people I have ever met, it's hard to explain to my mum because she, my nan and my auntie (their mum) think they are perfect, they are really not. Take one of them for example, she's about three years younger than me, she's a bit larger than everyone else. She always plays the 'I'm always bullied at school but never do anything wrong' card. Her story is wrong. I see her about school treating people like they are so small, she's horrible. Her head of year teaches me, he doesn't know she's my cousin (I don't tend to tell people) and he goes on about her saying he really doesn't like her because she's such a horrid person. The family don't know this because they can't see the way she is in school, they see her as so perfect and she can't do anything wrong. I hate that.

So the cousin who I want to talk about is the same age as me, we have always hated eachother. Again, she was always the favourite one in the family, the pretty one the lovely one (so they think) and the one who couldn't do any wrong in their eyes.

See, I don't like to lie to my family, so if I were to do something wrong, I would come clean about it. Not her, she would lie so that she looked good or so she could look like the victim. I remember one time she got together with this boy from school, he wasn't one of the normal guys she went for, he was nice, I liked this one, he's a nice boy, he obviously didn't know what he was getting himself into. Anyway, they were together for about a month before my perfect cousin got bored and decided to go looking for someone else, while still going out with this one. She cheated. She did something wrong. She hurt him. When they eventually finished after he found out how much of a bitch she is, she went home and told her family that he hurt her, he cheated and that he treated her like shit. I knew this wasn't the truth but no, not anyone else, they all believed the perfect girl they think she is.

Out of the two of us, I have the brains, she has the looks, but doesn't care about her future. Well why would she? The rest of her family are on the dole, letting tax payers pay for them to live. Not me, I always had the ambition to work so hard to be able to have an amazing future, this doesn't matter to my family. My brother is at university, while the cousin the same age as him is in a local pantomime. Who do you think is the favourite? Yes, you guessed it, the cousin. Anyway, both me and miss perfect did our exams last summer, fortunately for me I got much higher grades than she did and managed to get a place in sixth form. She didn't get good grades, somehow she managed to get E's and U's in all of them. So when I decided to celebrate my success, my mum and nan told me not to, simply because it would hurt my cousins feelings, because "she's not very good at school, she can't help it". NO. That was not the case. I was in her year at school so I knew what she was like, it's not that she couldn't do well, she didn't want to. She was only concerned with getting a new boyfriend, bitching, falling out with her friends and popularity. But the funny thing was, she wasn't popular, she has three friends because nobody liked her because she is a horrible, nasty person. 

One day, I punched one of her friends because she asked me for a fight and didn't think I would do it (she regretted it). Once my mum and auntie got hold of this information, they both decided to gang up on me, which I understand because it was wrong to do it, even though she deserved it. I can't remember a lot that they said to me but one of the things stuck, because it made me laugh. The conversation went something like this

Her: "You're a nasty piece of work, this is why you have no friends"

Me: "I have plenty of friends!"

Her: "yeah because their all horrible like you"

This made me laugh so so much, which didn't go down well, because I have a large group of friends who are such lovely people, just because I did one stupid thing. My friends and I are horrible. But the funniest thing is that everyone hates my cousin and she only had three friends and her mother couldn't see that. I don't think I laughed so hard in my life.

This brings me to now. I am now doing my a levels, hoping to go to university next summer and I have a job. What's she doing? Well she was in college studying hair and beauty, which she's terrible at, the way she makes herself look is rediculous. That's not the point, a few weeks ago, I found out that she's pregnant. I'm 17, she's almost 17. She's been with her boyfriend for three months and she's keeping the baby. This makes me happy, it sounds horrible but we've hated eachother since the day she was born. She's ruined her life. She's dropping out of college and getting a flat with her boyfriend. She's going to be just like her older sister, on the dole as a young mum letting other people pay for her to live. This is shameful. But what I really want to know is of she is still going to be the favourite when I become more successful. We'll just have to wait and see.

Unwelcome?

I have this feeling that soon enough I'm going to lose all of my friends, the six girls in my life who mean the world to me. This is something I am really afraid of happening and it would be happening for such a stupid reason.

Ok, so here's the thing. In one of my past posts I have written about a girl who I called 'Jo', as you may already know, I really don't get on very well with this girl for several reasons. She may be the cause of me not having my friends anymore.

Jo used to be very close friends with us a few years ago until she met her boyfriend, who is now an ex boyfriend might I note. She is one of those girls who would drop her friends for just a little popularity or a boy. Recently, as my other post states, she has wanted to come back into our group and I know it sounds bitchy but not many of us want her there, simply because we now feel awkward around her, well the others do, I just really don't like her. (More about this in my other post)

So a few weeks ago all of sixth form were informed that there will be a sixth form ball a few weeks from then, Jo wasn't going to go, she says the reason why is that she would have no one to go with, which is true. But lately one of the girls in my group have taken a shine to Jo again, and welcomed her back into the group, which I think only she and one other of the girls are happy about. So anyway, the girl that had taken a shine to her, let's call her 'Richard' invited her along to sit with us during the ball, I wasn't particularly fond of this idea but I got on with the fact that she and I shared a mutual friend. 

The ball was last night, it was a brilliant night overall, I really did enjoy it, but I couldn't help but get quite aggravated when we all first met in the yard before catching the bus, the fact that she had a 'face like a slapped arse' really bothered me, it's like she was looking at me as if to say 'what are you doing here with my friends?'. Anyway I wasn't going to let her stop me from having a good time so I carried on having a laugh with the girls.

The one thing that really pissed me off was when we just got there, we looked for our table and took our seats. I was on the opposite end of the table to her to save us from having any awkward encounters. So we all got back up to go and have a photo in the lobby, except she didn't get up, she was sat with one of the girls crying, I later found out that it was because of me, because she didn't feel welcome. I'm sorry but I did not say one word to her at all, not one. There were twelve of us on our table, ten not including us, on person out of eleven make her feel unwelcome. No! There were eleven of us not including her, if she didn't feel welcome it was because hardly anyone talked to her, not just me, ten others that could have made her feel welcome but no she doesn't blame them because she wants friends. I don't blame the ten that didn't talk to her, I don't think she remembers that she left us before, not the other way around. She just wanted to blame me just because she thinks I'm the only one who doesn't like her, but that's not true.

So that ruined my mood for about half an hour, being told that I apparently ruined her night really did piss me off. I did however feel that one or two of the girls had decided that they had to choose between us and just because she played the crying card.

The girls I love the most in the world!!

Childhood

My childhood always gets me thinking about who I am today, I know I'm technically still a child at the age of 16 but I'm talking about ages 12 and younger. Every time I think about myself as a younger child, it makes me cry.

See I was a very lonely child, I had no one except my mum, my mum was my best friend, actually make that only friend.

I was miserable as a child, up until I was 12 years old, I was so so sad, I don't think I have ever cried as much as I did when I was little.

See I didn't have any friends, none at all. I was lonely twenty four seven. I always tried to make friends, I was quite a nice kid, well I had to be, I didn't want people to dislike me anymore than they did already. Everyone in school had their own groups, from the first year of infants school until the last year of primary. I never had a group, I never even had one person who liked me. I would always go up to groups, a different one everyday, just to see if any of them would except me, but none of them did. I would go up, say hi and try and get involved with the games they were playing, it didn't work. Every single person would just roll their eyes and tell me to go away.

I always remember kids coming into class with printed out photos of their birthday parties at a jungle gym or somewhere else kids loved, everyone went to one throughout their childhood, not me, I was never invited. I guess no one wanted to be friends with the fat kid. I would get so jealous when the pictures were shown, I would always get the sympathy look as if they were saying 'if only you had friends'. 

I tried my hardest to get some friends, it didn't work, not one single person ever saw me by myself and asked me to play with them. After a while, I ended up hiding during break time and dinner time, it even got to a point where no one wanted me to sit anywhere near them when eating dinner, so eventually I would hide when it came to going in for dinner, I would go home with a full lunchbox and hide the food in my room and then put it in the bin so my mum didn't find out. I could never tell my mum that I didn't have any friends, I knew she would go to talk to the head teacher and see what they could do about getting me some friends. Most people would like that, not me, I would much rather be by myself than be around people who didn't want me there. Not only that, I knew it would break her heart.

In the summer when we had no school, my mum would always tell me to go and play outside with my friends, I would always try and refuse but it never worked, I would always have to go outside and play. This resulted in me walking around my hometown by myself, thinking about how lonely I was, I would always go to this bench where no on knew where I was, I would just sit there and cry, then wait until it looked like I hadn't been crying before I went home. This happened every single summer, whilst everyone was out with their friends, I was alone.

I think the worst parts was birthdays, I never had a party, simply because I knew no one would show up, every year my mum would ask if I wanted some of my friends to come to my house for a party, I always said no, just to save me from getting the sympathy look from my mum when she would eventually figure out that nobody liked me. I would always look forward to going home, it was where I was most happy. I would go home and give my mum the biggest cuddle. My mum was the highlight of my day, seeing her would bring an instant smile to my face, not only because she was my mum, but because she was the only person in the world that I could call my friend. She was the only one I wanted to talk to. I had my brothers too, but I wasn't very close to them, they would always be in their room together playing a game they both liked,  them being boys, wouldn't let me join in because Im a girl, I think this was the reason why my mum went out and bought me a teddy bear, he was a polar bear with a black waistcoat on, the waistcoat had red heart shaped buttons and when I pressed his paw he would sing 'let me be your teddy bear' by Elvis Presley. I called him 'corkey' I have no idea why. I loved him with all my heart, he ended up being my best friend, I know this sounds weird but I talked to him as if he were real, a lot of kids has imaginary friends, not me, I had a teddy bear. He was the only one I could tell my secrets to, he knew I didn't have any friends, I told him more than I told my mum, he was the most amazing friend I could ask for. My mum used to always have these nights where me, her and my two brothers would have a night with just us, these were the nights I looked forward to. We called them 'party suppers' where mum would buy sweets and a new film that none of us had seen just so we could spend time together. These were my favourite nights, I used to count down the days until we had another one.

 I have a sister, but she was never around, she left home to live with her dad when I was 4, I always tried to talk to her but she's 9 years older than me, she didn't care about little Jess's problems, by this point she had her teenage boys problems.

I know that some children go through a lot more than what I went through, but still, I didn't have the best childhood, I think it was the most difficult part of my life and I did my GCSE's last year, it was hard being me. But I'm in sixth form now, happier than I have ever been! With the best friends I could ever ask for.

Love

Lately I've been so much more curious to what love is and whether it actually exists. Is it true, are you supposed to fall 'inlove' with that one person? Is there actually someone out there who's going to love you? How do you know?

It's only over the past year or so that I've been questioning if I believe in love or not, it's becoming quite a common thought. Of course you always get the one person you really like and can't stop thinking about but how do you know you love them? How do you know what love is?

What I'm trying to say is that personally, I don't believe that there is one person in the world that you are supposed to be with and that one person is supposed to be the one you are with for the rest of your life. Everyone gets bored of things eventually, imagine having your favourite song, you wake up listening to it, you listen to it while eating breakfast, while you're on your way to work, when you get home and when you go to sleep. You wouldn't want that forever, would you? Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm just being negative about it, some people might want that one person to share everything with for as long as they live.

I think the reason behind me not believing in it is the fact that my mum has been divorced three times, she obviously found happiness in each of her husbands, but it didn't last, it couldn't have lasted, boredom takes over eventually, yes ofcourse you still have feelings for them after you divorce them, but it is no longer the feeling that it was when they first met years before, there was no longer any passion, and for all of the men she divorced, came resentment. And not even a year after that, more men came, she didn't marry them but they were there, she said to each that she 'loved' them and in a matter of weeks they were gone again, there was the rest of my family waiting for another one to break my mums heart. If love exists, why does it include getting hurt along the way? Why does it cause heartbreak for not only the one who is searching for the one they are meant to be with, but the people around them too?

In my opinion, love is just a word! A word you say when you have strong feelings and affection for someone, it doesn't mean anything, you say it to make the other person happy and once you get bored, bye! No more love, just left there waiting for the next one to come along, have them tell you that they love you and then leave again.

Obviously I don't know what I'm talking about until I actually experience it, I'm only 16 but the thought of it baffles me.

I think the closest I've come to feeling it was last summer, I left school so I had three months of summer. I met this boy, I'd never seen him around before, never even knew his name before we met properly. Let's call him 'B'. He was a bit older than me, he was 19. I met him at the start of the three months, we talked everyday without fail and after a while we started seeing eachother as more than friends, I really liked him, it was in no way love but I had very strong feelings towards him. But the thing is, I didn't tell anyone about him, not even my friends. I don't know why but I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone when I knew he would be going away to university in September, I didn't see the point in having to tell everyone about him only to be disappointed when he left, so we just kept it the way it was. After the summer, he went to university, we agreed that we wouldn't carry on with whatever we were, there was no point, we were on different sides of the country, not only that but we only knew eachother for three months, it's not like we wouldn't get over it.

That brings me to my point, nothing lasts forever, it can't, can it? Love is something I can't quite get my head around, I see other people writing on social networks about how much they love the person they are with, some may have only been together for a couple of months, can you really find love in such a short length of time? A short while later you see that those people are no longer with the person they wrote about, but they have moved on to a different person.

I have a cousin, I don't particularly like her or her family but that's not the point, the point is that I see her with a different boy every few weeks, and it's the same routine...

1. She sees a boy who is averagely good looking

2. She doesn't really bother getting to know him

3. They get together

4. He meets her family

5. He stays with her a few weeks

6. They break up

This is a constant cycle, this is another thing that confuses me, if you don't get to know the person you are attracted to, how do you know that you are going to get along as a couple? It's like being with a total stranger!

Finally, marriage. Why? This is something I really don't understand the concept of. You meet someone, you like them, you fall in love with them, you pay to sign a contract to be with them for the rest of your life and then for most, you have to pay to get out of the contract to get away from them. Why the contract? Can't you just love someone enough that you don't have to sign anything, just tell them that you want to be with them, because that way if you change your mind, you don't have to spend a rediculous amount of money to leave. Why just one person for the rest of your life? You can't tell if that person is 'the one', you can't tell the future, you don't know what's going to happen that might break you apart. So why do it? I understand that people are committed to that person and they would like to be with them for the rest of their life, what I don't get is why you have to have it on paper, is it to prove a point in an argument? You argue about something, someone grabs the certificate and shout 'you promised', I really don't get it.

But who am I to say it's wrong? Heck, I might get married when I'm older, I'd rather I didn't but like 

I said, it's impossible to read the future, I don't know what's going to happen, maybe someone will come along and prove me to be completely wrong, I'm only 16 so that won't be happening soon.

Alcoholism

Something that's really starting to bug me is the fact that twelve to sixteen year olds are overly obsessive alcohol drinkers.

Personally, I hardly drink, but saying it was wrong for underage drinkers to drink would make me a hypocrite. But the thing I don't understand is why they feel the need to do it every week? When you are younger than eighteen, surely you are capable of finding a way to have fun with out getting 'steamo'. There are some girls in my year at school that have been drinking since the age of twelve, I would understand if they were allowed one or two on special occasions but having parties where everyone gets drunk and starts 'getting off' with whoever they see. When I was twelve, I wouldn't even consider asking my parents to go out and get drunk, knowing that it would be a no. Looking back on it, I am greatful that they didn't let me drink until about a year ago. 

I mean I'm 16, I only started drinking properly in September last year, that's five months ago,there are girls I know my age that started five years ago, which I think is rediculous. Thinking that you can only have fun when you can't speak properly, walk properly or see properly actually makes me wonder if these people are ok in the head.

Since the start of sixth form, I've noticed that the girls who class themselves as 'lads' have gone out every week since September, not only drinking but smoking and taking drugs. I don't understand, why spend money to damage you're lungs just a bit more every week? Seeing photos every single weekend of the same people making the same faces, drinking the same thing, same stupid poses makes me so curious to why they think that it's fun to do exactly the same thing every week the only difference is the change of clothes, but the clothes aren't that different, the same revealing short dresses,I'm not going to lie, they look like 'loose women' after some money.

Not only that, they come into school bragging about it. I have to admit that I have four friends that do this, I sit with them sometimes and I can't help but think that the stories they are telling about their 'wild night out' I've heard them before, many times. The same stories every week, how can this be fun? It's like going to see the same show over and over, you would think it gets boring, but to these people it doesn't, how does this happen? I really don't understand?

I can't be a total hypocrite when it comes to alcohol, but I've only had alcohol with my friends twice in my life. If those who go out every week knew this, they would think I'm crazy, but personally I would like to act my age, I don't want to grow up faster than I need to. My friends ideas of fun is going out for a meal, going out shopping for the day, having movie nights with pizza and popcorn, which I think is brilliant and completely suitable for our age range, we don't want to be going out risking getting raped at 16 for wearing the most rediculous outfits.

I know everyone has their own ideas of fun, but I don't see how doing the same thing over and over could be fun, damaging your body on the way isn't my sort of thing.

Blogging.

I only wrote this blog for my own amusement, I don't expect anyone to read it. Of course if anyone is to stumble upon it, if they were to read it would be great.

I don't think I would like people I know to read this, I suppose it would take away the whole concept of writing a blog. I may aswell post it on Facebook or Twitter. The point I'm trying to make is that I'm not a very private person usually, I tell everyone everything. 

By using this blog, it helps me to express my feelings without having to explain anything to anyone, no one gets hurt and my problems are solved by writing, if I doesn't post things on my blog I would be keeping things to myself which would probably lead to a mental breakdown. Everyone needs to let off some steam sometimes. For me it helps to write something that nobody else will see, i like writing on this because if someone were to read it,They may be able to relate to what I write.

If there was someone I would like to read my blog, it would be Holly. One of my closest friends. I have two best friends in this world and one of them is Holly.

Holly is someone who I am confident to speak to and say whats on my mind. Anything that needs to be said to someone, I say it to Holly. I would say that she is the most understanding one of my friends. She gets what I'm trying to say, she understands how I feel about certain situations and most of all, she will tell me if I'm wrong or being out of line. In a way, she is like my counsellor, she just listens to me, takes it in, then gives me feedback on what I've told her. I think Holly is one of the people I trust most in the world. Genuine would be an understatement. 

Anyway, my blog is for my own amusement, no one else needs to read it but I wouldn't get offended if they did. It's purely to release my stress and anger. Maybe even to note a days event that I've enjoyed, but this is for me, not to please anyone else.